I came across a letter on my computer tonight, that I wrote to ex before I moved here. It’s full of strong, sensible statements from me regarding why I needed him to be honest about his intentions behind coming here. I also was reminded of all the utterly ridiculous bullshit I put up with from him. So much that was simply childish, backwards, nonsensical bullshit. I’m not proud that I dealt with it, but I learned from it, so there’s that. I get annoyed, too, when I remember that I frequently say to people that he isn’t a bad guy, just not the right guy for me. Maybe he’s not “bad,” but he’s certainly selfish and full of shit.
Daniel’s in the house with me now, still watching YouTube videos. I asked him to turn it down a bit, and his immediate reaction was to put on his headphones. I didn’t have to ask, and he wasn’t even a little bit pissy about it. I remember a handful of times when I would ask ex to put on headphones while I do homework so that I could hang out in the living room with him, but still get stuff done. His reaction was always childish, pouty and super put-out, like I was asking him to cut off his foot for me or something. What a dick. His reaction to nearly anything I asked him to do was shitty and mean. I’m a little disgusted with myself thinking back on that relationship. I try not to do it in detail too much, because I’m really, really not proud of myself.
Daniel, though…he makes me proud. I’m proud to be loved by him, I’m proud to be his friend, his lover, his roommate, his companion. His kindness genuinely makes me try to be a kinder person. He’s making me a better person. I hope I do the same for him. I think I do sometimes. I love him, so, so much.
And my homework’s still not done. I might have to take a little nap soon.